What is the ‘Benjamin Effect’ in romantic relationships?
The “Benjamin Effect” refers to a phenomenon where individuals derive significantly more joy from interacting with their long-term romantic partners when they treat them with the courtesy and politeness usually reserved for strangers. The term was coined by author Elizabeth Dunn based on her observations of her boyfriend, Benjamin, who would feel comfortable acting cranky around her when he was in a bad mood but would “perk right up” and act pleasant if he bumped into a stranger or acquaintance.
This change in behavior, driven by social graces, often caused his bad mood to dissipate. Research confirms that this dynamic applies broadly: when couples are instructed to “put their best face forward” and treat their partners as if they were strangers they had just met, they report much higher enjoyment from the interaction than those who interact with their usual familiarity. Essentially, the Benjamin Effect suggests that the politeness we extend to people we hardly know can actually enhance our happiness with the people we love most.
Does politeness with strangers truly improve our long-term happiness?
While acting polite toward strangers can provide an immediate mood lift, the sources suggest that for long-term happiness, the most effective strategy is actually applying that same politeness to the people you already know and love.
The Immediate Boost: The Benjamin Effect Interacting with strangers does have a positive effect on immediate mood due to a phenomenon the authors call the “Benjamin Effect.” When we encounter strangers or casual acquaintances, social graces force us to “perk right up” and act pleasant, which often causes a bad mood to dissipate. Because we do not feel comfortable being grumpy around people we do not know well, we are forced to abandon our negative feelings, leading to an unexpected improvement in our own mood.
The Long-Term Application However, the sources indicate that the true value of this “stranger politeness” lies in applying it to romantic partners. Individuals often feel safe acting cranky around their long-term partners because they know their partners will tolerate it. Research shows that when couples are instructed to treat their partners with the same courtesy they would extend to a stranger—putting their “best face forward”—they derive significantly more joy from their time together. Therefore, treating loved ones like strangers is a specific strategy to inoculate long-term relationships against boredom and improve relationship satisfaction,.
Investing in “Strong Ties” vs. “Weak Ties” It is important to note that while acting polite to strangers is a mood booster, investing in them financially is less effective for happiness than investing in close relationships. The sources note that people derive more happiness from spending money on “strong ties” (close friends and immediate family) than on “weak ties” (strangers or friends of friends). Consequently, while the manners reserved for strangers are valuable for happiness, the deepest emotional returns come from directing our resources and attention toward our closest social connections.
Why do we act worse around the people we love most?
Based on the sources, we often act worse around the people we love most because we feel a sense of security that they will tolerate our negative behavior.
In observing her boyfriend, author Elizabeth Dunn noted that when he was in a bad mood, he acted cranky around her specifically “because he knew that Liz would put up with his unpleasant behavior”. Conversely, when we encounter strangers or casual acquaintances, “social graces” force us to suppress our grumpiness and act pleasant and cheerful.
This dynamic leads to the “Benjamin Effect”: while we feel safe enough to be grumpy with our partners, we actually derive more happiness when we treat them with the same polite kindness we extend to strangers.
How can I test the Benjamin Effect in my own life?
To test the Benjamin Effect in your own life, you should consciously change the way you interact with your romantic partner by treating them with the courtesy and politeness you usually reserve for strangers.
Here is how to apply this concept based on the research outlined in Happy Money:
- Adopt the “Stranger” Mindset: The next time you are with your partner, imagine they are someone you have just met or a casual acquaintance. The book notes that while we often feel safe acting cranky around long-term partners, social graces force us to “perk right up” and act pleasant when we encounter strangers.
- Put Your Best Face Forward: Instead of interacting with your usual familiarity, make a conscious effort to “put your best face forward”. Research indicates that when couples are instructed to treat the “loves of their lives” as if they were complete strangers, they derive significantly more joy from the interaction.
- Simulate a First Date: You can operationalize this by planning a “date night” that breaks the mundane routine of domestic life. For example, rather than “flopping on the couch,” you might dress up and go out on the town, treating the event with the effort and novelty usually associated with dating a new person. This injection of novelty helps the relationship itself feel exciting again.
What other ‘social graces’ can be used to boost happiness?
Based on the book, the specific term “social graces” is used to describe the politeness and cheerfulness we automatically extend to strangers or acquaintances to avoid being rude—behaviors that ironically boost our own mood.
While the book does not list a catalog of traditional etiquette rules, it suggests several other social behaviors and interaction strategies that function similarly to “social graces” in boosting happiness:
1. “Putting Your Best Face Forward” with Loved Ones The primary extension of the “social graces” concept is applying the courtesy usually reserved for strangers to romantic partners. Research shows that when couples are instructed to interact with their partners as if they were someone they had just met, they feel significantly happier.
2. Injecting Novelty into Relationships Just as social graces force us to abandon boring or grumpy routines, injecting novelty into a relationship prevents boredom.
- Novel Activities: Couples who participate in novel, exciting physical challenges together (such as being Velcroed together at the wrists and ankles to complete a task) report higher relationship satisfaction and even physical symptoms of love, such as “tingling”.
- Simulating “Date Night”: Breaking the routine of domestic life acts as a social signal. One example provided is a couple that dresses up for date night (“tight jeans, cute top”) rather than “flopping on the couch,” which helps the relationship itself feel novel and exciting,.
3. Building Community through Shared Signals The book highlights how shared symbols and gestures create a sense of belonging. For example, participants in the “Tough Mudder” obstacle races wear orange headbands the next day to exchange “high-fives and knowing nods” with strangers. This “anti-bling” creates a sense of social connection and community that material goods rarely provide.
4. Combining Generosity with Social Interaction A critical social behavior for happiness is ensuring that gifts or generosity include the “grace” of your own time.
- The Starbucks Rule: Research shows that giving a friend a gift card and spending time with them at the coffee shop produces more happiness than simply giving the card or going alone. The combination of investing and connecting provides the biggest happiness return.
What are the benefits of choosing novel activities for date nights?
Choosing novel activities for date nights provides a powerful boost to romantic relationships because when couples do exciting things together, “the relationship itself feels novel and exciting”.
Research highlights several specific benefits to this approach:
1. Increased Relationship Satisfaction and Physical Attraction Engaging in new challenges together triggers feelings of love and attraction. In a study where couples were physically bound together with Velcro and asked to complete novel physical challenges, they reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction than couples assigned to a mundane task like rolling a ball back and forth. The couples who engaged in the novel activity also scored higher on the “Romantic Love Symptom Checklist,” reporting physical symptoms such as “tingling” when thinking of their partner.
2. Inoculation Against Boredom Novelty acts as a protective measure against the decline of relationship quality. Boredom is a “surprisingly potent force” that can erode even strong relationships; researchers have found that a couple’s current level of boredom can predict their overall satisfaction almost a decade later. By injecting novelty into date nights, couples can “inoculate long-term relationships against boredom,” preventing the stagnation that often comes with domestic routine.
3. Breaking the Domestic Routine Simply spending money to break the cycle of “flopping on the couch” can change the dynamic of a marriage. Treating a date night with the same effort one might apply to a first date—dressing up and going out on the town rather than staying in—helps partners see each other in a fresh light. As the authors note, “Maybe money can’t buy love, but it can buy novel, exciting activities,” which effectively turn time spent together into a treat.