Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst Book Summary
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst is a faith-centered guide to maintaining healthy relationships through the lens of Christian values. The book gently unpacks how to protect your well-being, honor God, and walk away when relationships become destructive. Through personal stories and biblical wisdom, TerKeurst helps readers understand the difference between forgiveness and access.
Who May Benefit from the Book
- Women seeking emotionally healthy relationships rooted in Christian principles
- People navigating divorce or relationship loss
- Christians struggling with guilt around saying “no”
- Those recovering from toxic or one-sided relationships
- Believers looking to deepen their connection with God while setting boundaries
Top 3 Key Insights
- Boundaries are about access, not love. You can love someone while limiting how much access they have to your life.
- God does not ask us to stay in relationships that destroy us. Love must include truth, safety, and responsibility.
- Goodbyes can be godly. Sometimes the most faithful act is walking away with grace and compassion.
4 More Lessons and Takeaways
- Your identity is sacred. Knowing who you are in Christ helps you build boundaries that reflect your worth.
- Consequences are not threats. Boundaries work only when paired with clear, calm consequences that you follow through on.
- You can’t change someone else. Trying to fix people only enables dysfunction. Growth is their responsibility, not yours.
- Grieving goodbyes is part of healing. Ending a relationship hurts, but God walks with you through the pain toward restoration.
The Book in 1 Sentence
A Christ-centered guide to setting healthy boundaries and letting go of harmful relationships with grace and faith.
The Book Summary in 1 Minute
Lysa TerKeurst’s Good Boundaries and Goodbyes teaches readers how to protect their hearts while honoring God in relationships. Through relatable stories and biblical lessons, TerKeurst explains why loving someone doesn’t mean allowing them to hurt you. The book offers practical guidance on setting boundaries, applying consequences, and knowing when it’s time to walk away. It reminds Christians that protecting your peace is not selfish—it’s sacred. Saying goodbye can be painful, but sometimes it’s the most loving and obedient choice.
The Book Summary in 7 Minutes
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes opens by addressing a key tension many Christians face: the conflict between faith-based compassion and the need for self-protection. TerKeurst argues that God does not call us to tolerate abuse or dysfunction. Instead, He invites us to love ourselves as His children and uphold relationships that reflect His truth and peace.
The Purpose of Boundaries
Boundaries are not barriers to love—they define the space where love can flourish safely. TerKeurst emphasizes that setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away. It’s about defining what’s acceptable based on how much responsibility someone shows. Love is unconditional, but access must be earned.
| Love | Access |
|---|---|
| Freely given | Must be earned through trust and responsibility |
| Rooted in Christ | Based on behavior and consistency |
| Always available | Limited when harm occurs |
Boundaries create structure in relationships. Without them, people can take advantage of kindness or manipulate Christian values like forgiveness.
Knowing Your Identity
Understanding who you are in Christ is the first step in building strong boundaries. If you don’t know your value, it’s easy to let others define it for you. TerKeurst encourages readers to reflect on this: What did God see when He created you? The more clearly you understand your divine identity, the less likely you are to tolerate mistreatment.
A strong identity in God means you stop seeking worth from others. You become rooted in divine love, not human approval.
You Can’t Change People
One major reason people stay in toxic relationships is the hope that the other person will change. TerKeurst shares a metaphor about her broken hot water system, which only worked when floodlights were on. Rather than fixing the wiring, she made others adapt. This reflects how dysfunctional relationships often work: you accommodate the brokenness instead of repairing it.
If someone constantly refuses to grow or take responsibility, you are not called to rescue them. You are called to steward your well-being.
Recognizing Toxic Signs
Destructive relationships often come with red flags:
- You feel smaller or less worthy around them
- You explain or justify their bad behavior
- Your mood depends on their mood
- You feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
When these signs appear, it’s time to consider boundary-setting—or ending the relationship altogether.
Consequences Matter
Boundaries without consequences are empty. TerKeurst stresses that consequences are not threats. They are follow-through actions that protect your space. A boundary might be: “If you speak to me disrespectfully, I will leave the conversation.” If the behavior continues, you must act on it.
Examples of healthy boundary statements:
- “If you’re not ready by 7:45 a.m., I’ll leave without you.”
- “If the conversation turns toxic, I will walk away and we’ll try again later.”
- “If you bring alcohol into the house again, I will dispose of it.”
These statements reflect clarity, not control.
Boundaries Are Not Punishment
Boundaries don’t exist to punish others. They exist to preserve your peace. They are not acts of aggression but of self-respect. In healthy relationships, people accept boundaries with maturity. In toxic ones, boundaries are often met with guilt-tripping or manipulation.
If someone calls you selfish or unkind for setting boundaries, it’s a sign they were benefiting from the lack of them.
Saying Goodbye with Grace
One of the hardest truths in this book is that goodbyes are sometimes necessary. Christians are often taught to forgive endlessly and stay committed no matter what. But TerKeurst highlights that God Himself sets boundaries with humanity—love is unconditional, but relationship with Him depends on obedience.
If someone continually rejects accountability, healing, or responsibility, it may be time to walk away.
Letting go can be painful. You’ll grieve. A simple household item may trigger deep sorrow. But each scar is a sign of growth. Saying goodbye doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you care enough to stop enabling harm.
About the Author
Lysa TerKeurst is a best-selling author, speaker, and the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries. She is known for her Christian nonfiction books that blend deep personal experiences with biblical wisdom. Lysa’s journey through heartbreak, loss, and healing informs her work and resonates deeply with her audience. Her books often explore themes of faith, emotional health, and the courage to walk in truth.
How to Get the Best of the Book
Read this book slowly, reflecting on each chapter. Pause to pray, journal, and consider how the lessons apply to your life. Be honest with yourself and invite God into the process.
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Quotes
“Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.”
“God calls us to obey Him. God does not call us to obey every wish and whim of other people. God calls us to love other people. God does not call us to demand that they love us back and meet every need we have.”
Conclusion
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes is a thoughtful and faith-rooted guide to navigating relationships with love and truth. TerKeurst’s message is clear: your well-being matters. Through God’s wisdom, it is possible to love people deeply—while still protecting your heart.