Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen explores one of the most crucial and misunderstood elements of personal and professional growth — feedback. The book dives into why receiving feedback can feel so uncomfortable, how our brains respond to it, and how we can learn to use it to our advantage. Drawing on research, real-life stories, and practical tools, the authors help readers develop the skills to handle feedback in a productive, healthy way.
Who May Benefit from the Book
- Managers, team leaders, and coaches aiming to grow through better communication.
- Professionals looking to improve how they receive criticism and praise.
- Students and learners who want to maximize feedback for personal development.
- Couples or friends seeking to strengthen relationships through open dialogue.
- Anyone curious about the psychology behind reactions to feedback.
Top 3 Key Insights
- There are three types of feedback: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation — each serves a different purpose.
- Our reaction to feedback is shaped by biology, personality, and mindset — not just the message itself.
- Feedback often reveals more about relationships and perception than about the actual performance.
4 More Lessons and Takeaways
- People usually respond to feedback based on how they view the giver, not just the message. Trust and relationship quality matter.
- We judge ourselves by our intentions, but others judge us by our actions. This gap often causes misinterpretations.
- Feedback can highlight blind spots — how others see us differently from how we see ourselves.
- A growth mindset makes it easier to handle criticism. Seeing feedback as a tool for learning opens up room for change.
The Book in 1 Sentence
Learning to understand, interpret, and respond to feedback can turn it into a powerful tool for personal and professional growth.
The Book Summary in 1 Minute
Thanks for the Feedback teaches that receiving feedback is a skill — one that can be learned. The authors show how our brains, emotions, and life experiences affect the way we interpret and react to criticism or praise. Feedback comes in three forms: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Understanding the type you’re receiving and what you need can transform how you respond. Often, feedback feels personal because it touches on our identity or relationships. But by stepping back, seeking clarity, and cultivating a growth mindset, we can use feedback to improve ourselves and our relationships.
The Book Summary in 7 Minutes
Receiving feedback isn’t easy. Yet it’s essential for growth. Thanks for the Feedback provides a roadmap to understand the science and emotion behind it — and how to deal with it wisely.
The Three Types of Feedback
Feedback isn’t one-size-fits-all. The book outlines three key types:
| Type | Purpose | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Appreciation | Expresses thanks and recognition | “I really value how you handled that client.” |
| Coaching | Aims to help you improve or learn | “Try breaking your report into shorter parts.” |
| Evaluation | Rates performance against expectations | “You met 8 out of 10 of your sales goals.” |
Each type has its place. If someone needs encouragement, give appreciation. If they want to grow, offer coaching. When clarity on performance is needed, give evaluation.
Why Feedback Hurts: Biology and Emotion
We react emotionally to feedback because of how our brains work. People with lower happiness baselines or emotional sensitivity tend to react more defensively. Neurological research shows the brain processes negative feedback more intensely and recovers from it more slowly.
Also, our default self-image plays a role. Feedback challenges the labels we’ve given ourselves like “helpful,” “kind,” or “good at my job.” A critique can feel like an attack on who we are — not just what we did.
The Blind Spot Dilemma
We all have behaviors we don’t notice about ourselves. This creates a gap between how we see ourselves and how others experience us. Feedback helps shine a light on these blind spots.
Imagine mimicking a friend’s laugh, and they say, “I don’t sound like that!” — while everyone else laughs in agreement. Feedback can be jarring because it uncovers parts of us we’re unaware of.
Learning to pause, reflect, and ask clarifying questions helps make blind spots more visible.
Interpretation Depends on Relationship
Our response to feedback heavily depends on who gives it. If we trust someone, we’re more likely to accept what they say. If we see them as a rival or unqualified, we tend to reject it — even if the message is useful.
This creates problems in personal relationships. Feedback from a loved one can feel like judgment. From a coworker, it might feel like a threat. But stepping back to assess the intention and context can change how we receive it.
The Feedback Triggers
The authors explain three common triggers that block feedback:
- Truth Trigger – We believe the feedback is factually wrong.
- Relationship Trigger – We reject the feedback because of who said it.
- Identity Trigger – The feedback challenges our self-image or values.
Learning to recognize and manage these triggers gives us control over how we react.
The Role of Identity and Self-Perception
We often tie our identity to our actions. If someone says, “You’re not a great listener,” we may hear, “You’re not a good person.” This identity attachment makes even minor critiques feel major.
To grow, we need to separate “what I did” from “who I am.” Feedback should be a conversation, not a verdict. It’s a chance to reflect, not a final judgment.
Shifting to a Growth Mindset
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck found that people with a growth mindset see abilities as changeable. They accept feedback more easily because they view it as part of learning. On the other hand, a fixed mindset leads people to see feedback as a threat to their value.
Practicing a growth mindset means asking:
- What can I learn from this?
- What specific behavior should I change?
- What’s the next small improvement I can make?
Feedback and Context
Context matters. Our surroundings and roles affect how we give and receive feedback. A friend giving advice as a boss creates tension. A parent correcting a child may come off as controlling. Not all reactions stem from the message — sometimes they come from the situation.
Recognizing external influences, like stress, status, or environment, helps you respond more fairly.
Making Feedback Useful
To make the most of feedback:
- Ask for specifics: “Can you give me an example?”
- Clarify what kind of feedback you want: appreciation, coaching, or evaluation.
- Don’t react instantly. Pause and process.
- Reflect on the intention behind the message.
Feedback is information. How we use it defines our growth.
About the Author
Douglas Stone
Douglas Stone is a lecturer at Harvard Law School and a co-founder of Triad Consulting Group. He specializes in negotiation, communication, and conflict resolution. He co-authored Difficult Conversations, another popular book on interpersonal communication. His work has been featured by Fortune 500 companies, nonprofits, and international organizations.
Sheila Heen
Sheila Heen is also a lecturer at Harvard Law School and a partner at Triad Consulting. Her work focuses on managing difficult conversations and feedback in high-stakes environments. She has advised leaders at companies like Microsoft and the Federal Reserve Bank. Her teaching is grounded in both research and practical experience across global industries.
How to Get the Best of the Book
Read this book slowly, with a notepad. Reflect on recent feedback you’ve received. Try applying the tools in real conversations. Practice switching your mindset to growth mode and look at feedback as a learning opportunity.
Thanks for the Feedback Quotes by Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen
“Receiving feedback sits at the intersection of these two needs—our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance.”
“Explicit disagreement is better than implicit misunderstanding.”
Conclusion
Thanks for the Feedback reframes feedback as a gift, not a threat. It helps us become better listeners, teammates, and individuals. Whether at home or work, mastering this skill opens the door to real, lasting growth.