Feedback (and Other Dirty Words) – Book Summary
“Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)” explores how our fear of feedback holds us back — and what to do about it. Tamra Chandler and Laura Dowling Grealish break down the emotional and psychological barriers surrounding feedback. They offer a practical framework to turn feedback into a powerful tool for growth rather than a dreaded event. This book aims to transform how we give, receive, and seek feedback, especially in professional environments.
Who May Benefit from the Book
- Managers and team leaders who want to build a positive feedback culture
- Employees who feel anxious about giving or receiving feedback
- HR professionals working on organizational development
- Coaches or mentors looking to refine their communication methods
- Anyone interested in improving workplace relationships and communication
Top 3 Key Insights
- Feedback triggers emotional responses rooted in our brain’s survival wiring.
- A strong feedback culture boosts trust, performance, and financial results.
- Frequent, clear, and growth-focused feedback supports both individual and team development.
4 More Lessons and Takeaways
- Connection Builds Trust: Trust is essential for meaningful feedback. Positive daily interactions set the foundation for openness.
- Observation Over Judgment: Observing facts without judgment helps make feedback more objective and less emotionally charged.
- Ask the Right Questions: Good feedback recipients ask clear, focused questions to get helpful responses.
- Self-Awareness Is Key: Feedback givers must know their tone, style, and motivations to avoid unintentionally hurting others.
The Book in 1 Sentence
This book reshapes our thinking around feedback, showing how to use it wisely to build trust, growth, and better communication.
The Book Summary in 1 Minute
“Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)” helps remove the fear and tension that surround feedback in the workplace. Tamra Chandler and Laura Dowling Grealish explain that our brains treat feedback as a threat, triggering stress and defensiveness. The book teaches how to manage those emotions and use feedback as a tool for growth. It emphasizes the value of clarity, specific language, and daily interactions to build trust. By practicing self-awareness, focusing on growth, and asking better questions, both givers and receivers can make feedback safe and productive. Ultimately, feedback becomes a bridge to better teamwork and personal improvement.
The Book Summary in 7 Minutes
Feedback is a word that often causes discomfort. The moment someone says, “Can I give you some feedback?” our heart races. But why does something so vital to personal and professional growth feel so threatening?
Why Feedback Feels Like a Threat
Our response to feedback is not just emotional — it’s biological. The amygdala, an ancient part of the brain, kicks in when we perceive danger. It makes us fight, flee, or freeze. The same stress response triggered by a wild animal gets activated when someone critiques our work. That’s why we sweat, panic, or mentally shut down.
The good news? You can rewire your brain’s response. A simple grounding technique like the 4-7-8 breathing method can activate your “wise brain” (prefrontal cortex) and help you stay calm and present during feedback.
Redefining Feedback
The authors suggest redefining feedback as:
“Clear and specific information, provided or requested, to support individual or collective growth.”
This means:
- No vague praise or unclear critiques
- Feedback should always serve the purpose of growth
- It must be a two-way conversation
Building a Growth Mindset
Those with a fixed mindset reject feedback. They believe traits like intelligence or talent are unchangeable. A growth mindset, on the other hand, welcomes challenges and sees feedback as a path to improvement.
To shift your mindset, avoid thoughts like “I can’t do this.” Instead, say “I can’t do this yet.” This small change encourages effort, learning, and progress.
Create a Feedback-Friendly Environment
A strong feedback culture doesn’t begin with critiques — it begins with connection.
The 5:1 Ratio
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman found that for every one negative comment, there should be at least five positive interactions. This ratio builds trust. People are more likely to accept feedback from someone they trust.
Practice Mindful Observation
Replace emotional reactions with clear observations. For example:
❌ “You always miss deadlines.”
✅ “The last three reports were submitted two days late.”
This shift from judgment to observation makes feedback feel fair and objective.
Be an Active Feedback Seeker
Waiting for feedback is a passive approach. Successful professionals seek it out actively.
Be Specific
Instead of asking, “How am I doing?” ask, “Can you tell me how I handled questions in today’s meeting?” This specificity helps the other person give helpful input.
Diversify Feedback Sources
Don’t rely solely on your manager. Ask peers, teammates, or clients. Each person sees a different version of you. The broader the perspective, the richer the feedback.
| Source | Benefit |
|---|---|
| Managers | Strategic feedback, big picture |
| Peers | Daily habits, team dynamics |
| Clients | Outcome-based performance |
| Self | Reflection and growth areas |
Handle Feedback Like a Pro
Even when receiving feedback, you can guide the process:
- Ask clarifying questions: “Can you give me an example?”
- Focus on impact: “What was the result of that behavior?”
- Limit the scope: “What’s the one thing I should improve first?”
Above all, assume positive intent. Most feedback is meant to help, not hurt. Don’t let your emotions distort the message.
When feedback feels harsh, ask:
- What’s the truth in this?
- What might be bias?
- What can I improve?
This process keeps your mind focused on learning.
Be a Thoughtful Feedback Giver
You may think you’re just being honest. But your words may sting more than you realize. That’s why self-awareness is so important.
- Ask yourself: Am I giving this feedback to help or to vent?
- Adjust your tone based on the other person’s communication style.
- Keep feedback short and frequent, not long and overwhelming.
Like in education, people learn better with small, ongoing guidance — not a big dump of criticism at year-end reviews.
Feedback as a Culture, Not an Event
High-performing companies build a feedback culture, not just annual performance reviews. In such cultures:
- Feedback is frequent
- Everyone gives and receives it
- Trust and safety are present
A study showed that companies with strong feedback practices perform twice as well financially as those that don’t. That’s the power of feedback — when done right.
About the Authors
Tamra Chandler
Tamra Chandler is the founder and CEO of PeopleFirm, a consulting company recognized by Forbes as one of the top U.S. management consultancies. She has worked with major organizations including T-Mobile, Nike, Nordstrom, and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Chandler is an expert in transforming organizational culture, leadership, and performance.
Laura Dowling Grealish
Laura Dowling Grealish is a senior consultant at PeopleFirm. She brings years of experience in leadership development and change management. Grealish collaborates with organizations to create engaging workplace cultures and practical strategies for growth and feedback.
How to Get the Best of the Book
Take your time with each chapter. Reflect on your own feedback experiences. Try out the exercises, especially those about self-awareness and asking better questions. Use the book as a conversation starter with your team or mentor.
Conclusion
This book reimagines feedback as something safe, useful, and human. It offers practical ways to create a better workplace culture — one conversation at a time. If feedback feels scary, this book gives you the tools to change that.