Getting to Zero by Jayson Gaddis –Book Summary

Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships, but avoiding it only leads to deeper issues. Getting to Zero by Jayson Gaddis provides a roadmap for resolving conflicts in high-stakes relationships—whether with partners, family, or close friends. This book teaches how to move from tension to resolution, fostering stronger connections.

Who May Benefit from the Book

• Conflict-avoiders – Those who suppress disagreements to keep peace.
• People struggling in relationships – Couples or friends stuck in recurring arguments.
• Individuals projecting past trauma – Those who unconsciously bring childhood issues into current conflicts.
• Leaders and mediators – Anyone helping others navigate disputes.
• Those seeking emotional resilience – People wanting to handle discomfort better.

Top 3 Key Insights

1. Conflict stems from feeling threatened – Too much closeness feels invasive, while distance feels like abandonment.
2. Unresolved childhood patterns shape conflicts – Early relational blueprints influence how we handle disputes.
3. Avoidance worsens conflict – Ignoring issues leads to emotional buildup and bigger blowups later.

4 More Lessons and Takeaways

1. Use a “Conflict Box” – A tool to map out disputes, emotions, and personal responsibility.
2. Practice NESTR meditation – Helps manage emotional discomfort by identifying feelings and grounding yourself.
3. Apply LUFU (Listen Until they Feel Understood) – A structured listening technique to foster empathy.
4. Make clear agreements – Prevent future conflicts by setting mutual expectations early.

The Book in 1 Sentence

“Master conflict resolution by understanding triggers, listening deeply, and creating agreements to restore harmony in relationships.”

The Book Summary in 1 Minute

Conflicts arise when we feel threatened—either by too much closeness or distance. Avoiding them only leads to bigger problems. Getting to Zero teaches how to:

• Identify your conflict patterns.
• Use tools like the Conflict Box and NESTR meditation.
• Listen empathetically (LUFU) and communicate honestly (SHORE).
• Recognize the five common conflict types.
• Create agreements to prevent future disputes.
  By facing conflicts head-on, you can rebuild trust and strengthen relationships.

The Book Summary in 7 Minutes

The Roots of Conflict

Conflict starts when we feel threatened—whether emotionally, physically, or in our identity. In relationships, this happens in two ways:

• Too much closeness – Feels invasive (e.g., yelling, aggressive body language).
• Too much distance – Feels like abandonment (e.g., silent treatment, ignoring messages).

How We Disconnect During Conflict

People use four coping mechanisms (disconnectors):

1. Posturing – Blaming or attacking.
2. Collapsing – Shutting down, self-blame.
3. Seeking – Clinging to reconnect (may push others away).
4. Avoiding – Creating emotional or physical distance.

The Conflict Box Tool

A structured way to analyze disputes:

1. Name the person.
2. Describe what they did (or didn’t do).
3. Note your emotions (e.g., anger, frustration).
4. Rate intensity (1-10).
5. Track how long the conflict has lasted.
6. Acknowledge your role.
7. Consider the other person’s perspective.
8. List fears about addressing it.
9. Describe how you’d feel if fears came true.

How Childhood Shapes Conflict Responses

Your relational blueprint—formed in early relationships—dictates how you handle conflict. Secure attachments lead to healthier resolutions, while insecure ones cause avoidance or aggression.

Why Avoiding Conflict Backfires

Avoidance creates conflict creep:

• The original issue remains.
• Internal resentment builds.
• Eventually, emotions explode, causing more damage.

Managing Emotional Discomfort

Your Emotional Discomfort Threshold (EDT) determines how well you handle conflict. Increase it with NESTR meditation:

• Number – Rate discomfort (0-10).
• Emotion – Name the feeling.
• Sensations – Notice physical reactions.
• Thinking – Observe thoughts.
• Resourced – Ground yourself.

Listening Deeply with LUFU

Listen Until they Feel Understood (LUFU):

1. Be curious.
2. Reflect back their words.
3. Check understanding (“Am I getting this?”).
4. Pause to process.
5. Empathize (“I see why you’re upset”).
6. Validate (“That makes sense”).
7. Own your part (“Yes, I did that”).
8. Confirm they feel heard.

Speaking Honestly with SHORE

Speak Honestly with Ownership to Repair Empathetically (SHORE):

1. Set the context (why you’re speaking).
2. Take responsibility.
3. Empathize.
4. Validate their experience.
5. Share the impact (“When you , I felt “).
6. Request change (“Could you _ next time?”).
7. Share lessons learned.
8. Agree on next steps.

The Five Common Conflicts

1. Surface fights – Small issues masking deeper problems.
2. Childhood projections – Past trauma affecting current conflicts.
3. Security fights – Fear of abandonment or lack of commitment.
4. Value differences – Clashes over core beliefs.
5. Resentments – Unmet expectations leading to bitterness.

Making Agreements to Prevent Conflict

• Prenups, co-parenting plans, business contracts – Clarify expectations early.
• Transparency agreements – Ensure both parties understand terms.
• Conflict repair agreements – Commit to respectful communication.

About the Author

Jayson Gaddis is a relationship expert, founder of The Relationship School, and host of the Smart Couple Podcast. He specializes in conflict resolution and helps individuals and couples build stronger connections.

How to Get the Best of the Book

• Apply the Conflict Box to a real dispute.
• Practice LUFU & SHORE in conversations.
• Use NESTR meditation to manage emotions.
• Create agreements in key relationships.

Conclusion

Conflict doesn’t have to destroy relationships—it can strengthen them. Getting to Zero provides practical tools to navigate disputes with empathy and clarity. By facing conflicts courageously, you can build deeper, more resilient connections.